As we look the future right in its shiny face, we’d love to be full of equally shiny positivity.
We’d love to put Baba Yaga in one pocket, a bag of serotonin in the other, and run into the sunset like an antidepressant advert.
But let’s be honest - anything can happen after this year, so let’s just steal from the Stoics and expect the worst.
The year 2021 won’t actually start until March
It’ll be with a “heavy heart” but government officials will make the tough decision to extend the year 2020 for an extra three months. Which is probably good, because we still haven’t processed last March.
Aliens will finally land on this planet
After ghosting Earth for so long (fair), our major alien moment will finally come somewhere between May and August. They’ll abandon all hope after three-and-a-half minutes, leaving in such a rush that they’ll leave landing gear components behind, which will be sold on Gumtree to a Shoreditch gin bar.
Someone will invent a face mask that eats for you
As restrictions lift and humans can dine surrounded by strangers once more, the need for face masks with mouth holes will increase. We’re having visions of an inventor, mystified by the fact we’re all still eating for ourselves (“...in the year 2021!?”) who will invent a mask that bites, chews and swallows our food for us.
A new TV show will take away the stress of thinking for ourselves
Television producers will bring out a programme that shows people watching TV, watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV. It will be SENSATIONAL.
Supergroup ‘27 Club’ will announce 2021 world tour
Due to the rapid decline in good music, members of The 27 Club will be brought back into this mortal coil to save us all. Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Robert Johnson and the rest of the club will start the tour on Samhain, playing in all major cities before returning to the ether.
80% of social interaction will be done via astral projection
With many mastering the art of astral projection in 2020, it will now be used to meet up with friends and families. Astral-scapes will soon be forced underground when an out-of-body mission to infiltrate the White House goes wrong and the realm police beef up security.
Offering “FREE HUGS” in public will finally be made illegal
Over-familiar charity workers and those generally oozing toxic positivity will be arrested, as new post-pandemic laws come into place. Anyone coming within a 2-metre distance telling you how much they love your “ink” and asking you to spare two minutes should be reported to the police.
People who read this prediction post and don’t realise it’s parody will be angered by everything they see on Facebook.
Hold on tight! Stay weird, stay safe, and see you in the next episode of this dystopian simulator experience. And a dark, hearty thank-you to all the wild and fierce folk who keep Disturbia going. You give us a thread of hope that the world’s full of kindreds.
We'll survive the darkness ❄